


tell me we both matter

by copperiisulfate



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-08
Updated: 2011-09-08
Packaged: 2017-10-23 12:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperiisulfate/pseuds/copperiisulfate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't remember a day in your life that you haven't woken up before him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tell me we both matter

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah. this series gives me feelings. warnings for violence and a relationship that could be interpreted as incestous or otherwise. nothing explicit.

And you think you are fine, always fine, maybe not _better than_ , given the circumstances, but just about there.

Never mind that your father died just days ago and your brother stood drenched in his blood; never mind that your life is a shadow of what it used to be, never mind all-- _any_ \--of that.

-

He kisses your forehead when he thinks you're asleep. For all his edge and tetchiness, he was always the more affectionate one. It was stupid, you'd thought, when you'd grown out of hiding behind him and holding his hand. From the eyes of an exorcist, you'd come to see it as a fatal flaw.

He thinks he's doing you a favour, coddling you like he used to because he thinks you need it. He doesn't know that you haven't needed in years, or maybe he does but that thought is even worse.

He's all, _I'm your big brother this_ and _Listen to your big brother that_ and, you want to scream, _Stop it, Rin,_ and send the honorific to hell just this once. He's barely got minutes on you and in your world, there are bigger things at stake, momentous enough that mere minutes shouldn't count.

-

You kiss him on the mouth when you think he's asleep, hardly a touch, experimental. You could say that there is no feeling behind it but it is what it is.

Like this, in the middle of the night, with his eyes shut and hair tame, he could be your reflection.

It could've been easier, you think, being alone. It might have even worked out for you if you had only loved yourself half as much.

-

He stretches out beside you in the morning, cat-like, and suddenly, you can't remember a day in your life that you haven't woken up before him. Of course, there must have been one, early on; maybe just the first.

He mumbles something incoherent and grabs at your shirt, holds it tight, a beat too long. He could be dreaming and, for a second, you try and picture a demon's dream.

(No. No. _No._

You try and picture your brother's.)

You think to push him away but you halt the thought right there.

It would be easier, being alone. Also, just a little unbearable.

-

 _This is fucked up_ , he says over dinner one day, laughing, always laughing.

Your father is dead and your brother is being hunted by every army imaginable. You're losing your sanity (and maybe also your humanity) day by day but that's the least of the concerns around here.

 _What part of it_ , you want to ask. _All of it_ , of course, should be the answer.

 _Look at us_ , he says, twirls ramen around his chopsticks.

 _I'm going away for a few days_ , you say out of nowhere. _Staff conference_ , an afterthought.

It's a lie, but just one more won't really matter anymore. The truth is that you need to get away from here, from this. You can't protect anything without your head on straight. Instead, you'll just screw it up without even knowing, all of it gone until it's too late. And maybe between the two of you, Rin is the better teacher after all.

He frowns at your news but that's about it. _Stay safe, yeah? I can't protect you forever, four-eyes_. He scratches the back of his head but it's enough to betray him. It's only because you know him the way you know him that you think of how it must have hurt him, learning to accept that.

(You don't think of how, when you turn it around, you can't and won't ever accept the same.)

 _I will_ , you say, with your smile in place.

It's not all there but there's enough, enough.


End file.
